Into the thicket

I saw a king with a wooden horse. What does a king need a wooden horse for? Can’t he trust a regular horse to do what he needs?

Of course I could get a normal horse to do what I need, but have you ever seen a real horse crafted as finely as this?

I had to admit I had never seen a finer horse in life or in media.

The wooden horse, he explained, lacked the common comfort of a soft living horse but when he pursued a fox or a rabbit into the thicket there was no bone blood or fur to tear on the sharp thorns.

But the heat, the connecting of life, the opportunity for both to enjoy the victory. Where is the passion you share?

I am king, if I want passion, I command it There is nothing I lack.

So as I talked a fox darted across the path into the thicket and the king went galloping past. The king tore through the thicket in search of the fox. Even as his kingdom dwindled and crumbled around him.

We

Tumbling into tepid pools of tyranny
Anxious aberrations awaken another
Cutting the collective consciousness
Into an instant illusion of insecurity
But better breeds bear the burden
Of overzealous ownership
Forced to forget the freedoms
They once favored

Anniversary getaway

This weekend was my work holiday party and since my 4th anniversary is coming up, wifey and I decided to have a Mini getaway. We stayed at a hotel in del Mar, nearly right on the beach. I had to laugh a bit in hindsight. We were excited about sleeping in until 8:30.  Most of my coworkers wouldnt consider that sleeping in. But anyone with kids can understand. After breakfast, we walked to the beach and I'm pretty sure we saw a family preparing some sort of Santeria. They were all dressed in white and I'm pretty sure we saw a bird cage under the white tablecloth. 

Slippers

The click and pick of the needle
Why don’t you sit over here next to me
I’ll show you how in out make a loop and pull through.
If you change the way you pull or change the loop you can create just about anything.
Grandma says crochet work stops time. She picks up the needles and yarn. She plucks the picture out of the air in front of her and replaces it with our Christmas slippers.
The marker tickles my feet but I like seeing the print the trace makes. Imperfect feet are best warmed in matching imperfect slippers. Maybe I’ll learn how
Once my feet have stopped growing each year and her feet begin shrinking every year, I could make her slippers. Keep her feet warm. Remind her that I’ll be there for her every year as long as
she needs me.

Pedal

The car fades in the distance devolved into my bicycle I ride from the smooth pavement of the parking lot to a pock marked stretch of road Caltrans seems to have forgotten.
Up the hill, I ascend. Apartments transform into town homes transform into McMansions transforming into empty space. Tired now, follow the center-line.
Don’t give up. Pedals pump like pistons
Pure Power.
Asphalt becomes gravel becomes dirt. Re-energized by nature. Air Sun and Soil recharging my skin.
Now atop the hill I survey my kingdom. Sweat blurs the scene and smooths out jagged edges of urban spires. Sun falls behind me and I descend again. Prepared for what lies ahead.

It’s you not Me

I see
Everyone
I hear
Everything
Do you see her
Drink about to spill?
Do you hear that
Hushed conversation meant only for lovers?
I see
Too much
I focus
On the experiences of others
Empathy
Fear of who I am
I concentrate
On everything else
Drown out the voices
You will never be as good as them.

Precious Embers

Life begins with a though. A spark a flame then faster burns the blinding birth an awakening the consumption of fuel wood is stacked upon dwindling ashes until the heat has served its purpose
the embers linger then extinguish and ashes mark the spot where once we made our fire.

Cosmic dreams

Blank frames of open lullabies descending  
without knowing shapes ascending
 into the heavens peacefully darkening
 memories gone by stars exploding
 till into her arms warmth increasing
leaves pain itself decreasing

If we are the body

Recently a speaker i was listening to posed a question that I have had stuck in my mind ever since. "What would this world be like if every morning, each of us prayed and sincerely asked our father in heaven 'what can I do today that would be of most worth to you?'
The second thing on my mind, I heard today. "Pray to be filled with the love of Christ." If each of us did this, imagine the work and the progress we could do and make as a civilization. Ghandi famously said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world" So, I apologize to the lady I pulled out in front of this morning. I didn't have to slow to exactly the speed limit when you flashed your brights at me. No, I don't actually feel sorry, but it's a start right?

Changes

I've got two drafts barely started on here where I had been reflecting on change. In both, I didn't write enough to be able to pick the idea up again and finish the thought. So, instead I'll write a little something about change from where I am today. The past two years have been an almost continual whirlwind of change. At the most primal, basic level, in me there has been a constant upheaval. Like an underwater volcano. Powerful and definitely observable, but much to deep and unreachable for most to see. Old gashes have been filling in, constant eruptions have create new creases and a few canyons. But the landscape is certainly different than it was two years ago. And almost unrecognizable from the way it looked in 2001. On top of that, thankfully the protective waters of my children, family and friends have remained mainly calm. With only a few tempestuous storms that, as far as I can tell, don't follow any sort of pattern or measured frequency. Above that, the winds and clouds of my career have remained calm except for my own choices to stir things up. I enjoy my new job, but it is certainly a trade of peace and stability for one of challenge and greater reward. I wrote that last part an hour or so after the rest and I feel like I've lost that train of thought a little so I guess that's all for now on change.

Family update

The past few months down here have been an adventure. I was recruited for a new job back in november. The company is called synthetic genomics and they are in torrey pines. I finally took the job in february. It was a huge gamble because they only hire people on a temp to perm basis. I was told I would be hired on as a full employee after 6 months as a contractor. This meant no benefits, no paid time off and nothing more than a verbal gurantee of a job after six months. The gamble paid off and I am now full time with them. The work is fast paced and exciting. We are using biology to turn coal into natural gas. The only down side is that it added another 30 min of driving to my day and that's 30 more minutes the girls have to be in daycare. I'm going to register Sarah for kindergarten this week and Autumn is doing great in school this year. I've found a woman who will put up with all my quirks and actually seems to enjoy most of them. She and I have been as inseperable as two very busy people who live 100 miles away from each other can be since January. I've got my health and so does my family, I've got a roof over my head and food on the table, and great people surrounding me. Pretty strange.

I'd love to write more, but I don't often have a topic or idea to write about. I'd like to see, if I just force myself to write a little every day if the creative and topical side will get easier. So, let me know in comments if there is something you'd like me to write about. I'm goin to write at least one blog post a day for a week an then reevaluate at the end and maybe continue for another week or possibly a whole month. We shall see. I know some old San berdu and riverside friends still check up on me here so I'll at least write a few lines explaining what's been going on lately.

Tears fears and smiles

If I told you what's on my mind a hundred showers would never get you clean. If showed you my single tear, we'd wash it all away. Wash it all away. But I've given up on tears. That's a suit i've forgotten how to wear. I'd give you a thousand smiles. Like a warm blanket wrapped around my fears. Into this morning we'd walk arms outstretched to take the whole wold in. I know any minute now the rain would come and see my cheers, and wash them all away, wash it all away. But gardens can't grow without rain and tears. A life can not be lived without hope and fears. New life springs best from baren soil. A field wiped clean with tools and toil. I close my eyes to see your smile. It's a face I haven't seen in a while. If I showed you what's in my heart you'd hear laughter too. A grin would stretch across the sky and we'd laugh it all away laugh it all away.

Christmas time has come and gone.

So, this Year I didn't get a picture of us by the Christmas tree, but we did go back to the tree farm and cut down a tree this year. Here's Autumn and Sarah under a tree at the farm.
We had a very nice Christmas and were able to enjoy time just together as well as time with extended family. I'm not sure when, but I've finally reached the point where I find myself wanting time to slow down for my girls. As they were growing their first few years, I remember always thinking "I can't wait until they are old enough to..." Now they are growing and changing so fast. They really make it easy for me to be a proud parent. I don't like to imagine what my life would have been like this past year and a half without them. I have had an underground stream of self-destructive behavior flow through me as I dealt with my grief. Having to be a strong example for my children has been a big factor in making sure that stream stays underground and doesn't burst into a river. It is so great to be able to see Traci in their eyes and in their ways. Autumn looks more like Traci, but Sarah's personality is shining through more like hers. I don't know how exactly to describe it. I've kinda' gone off on a tangent here, so I think I'll write more about our holiday another time. Little note: Autumn's birthday party will be similar to last years but down here. So save the date. I'll be sending out an evite and a facebook event soon.

Someone on facebook wrote a status update stating what one word defined 2009 and what one word thy hoped define 2010. If you don't know, I think new years resolutions are dumb but I liked the idea of boiling a whole year into on word. So, I'd like to think that healing is the word that defined 2009. And hope that growth is the word that defines 2010. Life is finally pretty stable and predictable. (I'm almost afraid to admit that for fear of upsetting the balance) I've grown into my new shell in the past year and a half and now I feel like it's time to stretch a little. I'm ready to start hunting for new career opirtunities and I've started dating and am enjoying the experience. (As a side note... I'm writing this at the park and have to mention that Autumn is a boy beater. When we are out playing, I often have to tell her to stop wrestling the boys to the ground.)

Early January

Why is it that the things we need to see are always so obvious long after the moments or choices are gone. I've got to Start writing some of this down or my brain might pop but I don't feel like tapping it out on my phone tonight. On a lighter note, I should put up some pictures and a note about our holiday soon. I'm thankful to have such great in-laws. And such a great family of my own. Our Christmas this year was a blast and I wish I didn't have to return to work this week.

Balboa

If I ever move away from San Diego, high up on the list of things I'll miss is Balboa park. The zoo, the museums, the beautiful park-like setting of everything. Why am I thinking about that? Last night was my company Christmas party. And it was held at the air and space museum. I hadn't been there before. By extention of my father, I'm a big nerd when it comes to aviation history so I loved seeing all the old planes and artifacts of history. Since I'm writing this in church, I'll make it short, I just wanted to make good on my promise of new blog posts.

Thinking about blogging again

A lot of things have been on my mind lately and I've had the urge a few times to put them down somewhere. So check back here in the coming days or weeks. I may be back on the blogging horse.

Oh, hai!

So, I've fallen off the blog and I'm not sure I'll be getting back on. It seems to come in spurts and I may pick back up for a little while every now and again but for now, if you're not friends with me on Facebook, feel free to add me. I use FB quite a bit and post pics of the girls from time to time.

Autumn's birthday party

So I didn't send any invitations and I don't have some of your phone numbers anymore. Autumn is having a birthday party in Riverside this Saturday at 10:00 We would especially love to see old San Bernardino and Riverside friends of Autumn. If you can make it, email me for directions. (redacted)@gmail.com