I am trying out a service called blog.gears It will use a google...... nevermind, you would surely be bored into self-immolation. anywho, this is just a test post that I will try to add something clever and rewarding to at the end. Nope, nothing is coming to mind.
Thank you, Have a nice day,
Management.
So, this is not a result of any one call,email text or IM. Evidently either my last post specifically or just the combination of my last few posts appears to have worried both friend and family. I am still doing well. I just find it more therapeutic to blog about the crappy things rather than the good. the depression I talk about isn't like the slit your wrists and die kind of depression. Its just like... aw hell, I guess if I could describe it I wouldn't have all these vague blog postings scaring you all. If it just happened coincidentally that you all have chosen this week to break radio silence and drop me a line, I apologize for what would then only be narcissism on my part I suppose.
On another note, I just finished reading "A Farewell to Arms" Oops, figures the first pleasure book I would check out from a library after Traci is gone would end like that. (Spoiler) It ends with the main character's wife and newborn dying in childbirth. After the 20 minutes or so of feeling reallly depressed, I just had to laugh.
This week I can feel the grief closing in. I have slept in three days this week. I probably wouldn't have if I had a job where a strict 9-5 or something was enforced, but I generally like to be predictable and dependable. I saw Wicked at the Pantages last Friday night, had lunch out with coworkers Monday,I went scuba diving with my sister-in-law Wed. evening and took the girls to Disneyland after work last night. It's not like I'm living a blank and meaningless life these days. But, every time I am left with nothing else to feel or think, I feel this pain creeping in closer. I described it like a constricting snake in a previous blog, tightening with every breath I exhale. But a snake as a definite form. This is more like a cloud or sand. It is just all around you and you don't know where it begins or when it will end. I don't dream when I sleep, hardly ever do. I just want to get to the point where I feel like I'm healing.
I'm just writing. I wonder what happened I wonder why I wonder where the pain goes when it isn't hanging around like a snake, coiled around my brain secure and warm. If life is to live then why don't I feel? If death is to be gone then how do I breathe? Open windows, random thoughts, they both let the cold in and I wish it wasn't winter. I don't remember moving so far north. Where are the palm trees? Where is the bright sunshine. A breeze picks up an old photograph and I catch a glimpse of smiles. And warmth. I've got to find a new job because all this walking around hurts my knees. Blank. Gone. Thought about balloons, why balloons? I read that if you attach a note to a balloon and send it up into the sky, maybe it will reach them. Errant thoughts, wiped clean. just press send.
