Because weekends were made for fun.

For any of you that didn't know me before I met Traci, I am a very flirtatious person by nature. I also just generally preferred to be in the company of females rather than with my guy friends. Once I met Traci, she filled every need I had from the company of any guy or girl and I generally lost interest in flirting. Traci and I had a very trusting relationship. She would tell me about how a guy tried to pick up on her at school and I would tell her the details if I thought a girl was interested in me. We sometimes would both flirt back, just to see if we still had "it". Because of my background and the kind of relationship Traci and I had, I have found it relatively easy to jump back into social situations with women. I have gone to a few young widow meetups here in SoCal and have gone with my 23 year old brother Willy a few times out dancing or to a rock show. I never felt uncomfortable or over my head, that is until this past Friday night. I told Willy I had a babysitter for the night. "What's the action?" I said. A birthday party, a private room at a club in Costa mesa was the reply. Dancing, a costume party, a generally high concentration of LDS folk, seemed like a good time. And it was, Then she walked in. Taller than the rest, more self confident. "Oh, good." I thought, "She has a guy with her, No need to care." The night progressed, there was a lull in the quality of the music and most people took the time to rest their feet and cool off a bit. I then noticed it was just her and I dancing and one other guy a little ways away. We made eye contact and she approached. "You're a really good dancer," she commented. My witty reply and followup? "Thanks.... My name is Mitch" as I stuck out my hand. "Elle" she said as she smiled and shook my hand. We began to dance together and I felt a surge of excitement for the briefest moment, like diving under a wave at the beach as the wave crests just about to topple you. Unfortunately, just as at the beach, I didn't see the second and much larger wave coming up fast behind it. Guilt, shame, hand caught in the cookie jar. In an instant I went from casual enjoyment to panic. This is not okay. I am married. I cut myself off from any other emotions and danced, internally a robot, until I could make a polite retreat. It is not without the lens of time that I could write this. I didn't understand what I felt at the time. I thought I was just plain scared of a girl, so I continued the night and laughed at myself. We all danced until the DJ went home and then said our goodbyes. It might seem like this was a negative experience, but for me it was quite the opposite. I actually have carried a lot of guilt that I have already felt so sociable with women, like I don't miss Traci as much as I should and am trying to move on too fast. It is good to know that yes, I do still feel like I am with Traci I just don't realize it with out being in s "moment" (if I can just be vague). I will still go out with my brother, I may even try to get a phone number or two just to see if I still have "it" but if they are single and attractive, they should be aware, I could freak out at any moment and run away.