Because weekends were made for fun.

For any of you that didn't know me before I met Traci, I am a very flirtatious person by nature. I also just generally preferred to be in the company of females rather than with my guy friends. Once I met Traci, she filled every need I had from the company of any guy or girl and I generally lost interest in flirting. Traci and I had a very trusting relationship. She would tell me about how a guy tried to pick up on her at school and I would tell her the details if I thought a girl was interested in me. We sometimes would both flirt back, just to see if we still had "it". Because of my background and the kind of relationship Traci and I had, I have found it relatively easy to jump back into social situations with women. I have gone to a few young widow meetups here in SoCal and have gone with my 23 year old brother Willy a few times out dancing or to a rock show. I never felt uncomfortable or over my head, that is until this past Friday night. I told Willy I had a babysitter for the night. "What's the action?" I said. A birthday party, a private room at a club in Costa mesa was the reply. Dancing, a costume party, a generally high concentration of LDS folk, seemed like a good time. And it was, Then she walked in. Taller than the rest, more self confident. "Oh, good." I thought, "She has a guy with her, No need to care." The night progressed, there was a lull in the quality of the music and most people took the time to rest their feet and cool off a bit. I then noticed it was just her and I dancing and one other guy a little ways away. We made eye contact and she approached. "You're a really good dancer," she commented. My witty reply and followup? "Thanks.... My name is Mitch" as I stuck out my hand. "Elle" she said as she smiled and shook my hand. We began to dance together and I felt a surge of excitement for the briefest moment, like diving under a wave at the beach as the wave crests just about to topple you. Unfortunately, just as at the beach, I didn't see the second and much larger wave coming up fast behind it. Guilt, shame, hand caught in the cookie jar. In an instant I went from casual enjoyment to panic. This is not okay. I am married. I cut myself off from any other emotions and danced, internally a robot, until I could make a polite retreat. It is not without the lens of time that I could write this. I didn't understand what I felt at the time. I thought I was just plain scared of a girl, so I continued the night and laughed at myself. We all danced until the DJ went home and then said our goodbyes. It might seem like this was a negative experience, but for me it was quite the opposite. I actually have carried a lot of guilt that I have already felt so sociable with women, like I don't miss Traci as much as I should and am trying to move on too fast. It is good to know that yes, I do still feel like I am with Traci I just don't realize it with out being in s "moment" (if I can just be vague). I will still go out with my brother, I may even try to get a phone number or two just to see if I still have "it" but if they are single and attractive, they should be aware, I could freak out at any moment and run away.

3 Responses to "Because weekends were made for fun."

The Jones Family (visit their site)

I glad to hear that your learning from every opportunity that comes your way. : ) I need your email address, so you can view my blog.

Mitch (visit their site)

True, you priveate blog types. There are more of you out there that switched your blogs to private after I started reading the9m. send invites to (firstandlastname)at)

Anonymous (visit their site)

Wow your children are beautiful. It is different to read a man's loss (sorry no offense). In my culture ( I am Native) we are to grieve - give ourself at least four seasons, one year to allow our spirits/hearts to heal. Sorry I have no idea when your loss was and am not in any way trying to tell you what or what not to do.

I do know it is hard. I couldn't imagine for me if the tables were turned and my husband were here and me gone.. that would simply be too hard for him to handle for a recovering alcoholic.

When the time is right for you, you will once again find love.. or rather it will find you.