Trying something out again

I'm writing this from my phone.

lonely journey

I was pondering on how this life is a journey and thinking about this hardest part of my trail so far. I know exactly who I would want to take with me, to help me make it through, Traci. But of course therein lies the paradox. If I had her to walk this road with me, I would not need to walk it. We would continue down the old familiar paths and trails. I don't know if I am searching for a story or a metaphor right now but I do know that this is striking me as kinda odd with a twist of mind bending. Why is it that the tool you need most is the tool you haven't seen in a while and can't seem to locate. I may come back and edit this post later. I'm not sure I'm finished with it, but I'll post it anyways.

Christmas time

We just picked up our Christmas tree. I was looking for a sweet look from the girls, but we take what we can get .

Thanksgiving at painted canyon

We found a dead tarantula.

Taken from about halfway up the wall of the canyon looking down on our campsite

Sharkboy and Lavagirl ready for action.

Why no posts?

I suppose I should explain my silence on the web. I have not yet hooked up internet to our new house yet and, while I don't mind using neighbors wifi signals, I can't really do that here. Only one signal picks up and still I have to reconnect every 10 minutes or so. So, my updates will be sporadic at best if I get the time and energy to post something from work. Hopefully I will order dsl by Dec. If not, no later than the middle of January.

NaNoWriMo

So I should be writing for nanowrimo right now. I had a nice relaxing Sunday and the girls went to bed nice and easy around 8:45. I thought about revisiting my tale of horror turned spy that I wrote in middle school, I thought about writhing about a group of unrelated adventure vacationers who have some tragedy nearly split them apart before allowing them to become closer to each other than they ever thought possible. I thought about coming up with some wild story that was in itself a metaphor for something going on in the world, or using that metaphor or allegory to describe an aspect of science I enjoy. I also thought about writing about a fictional corporate espionage book involving competing next generation energy companies. In the end, (I know two days into the competition isn't the end) I decided that things are still too hectic for me to devote enough time to writing every day to stay on pace.
(Published Nov 11th 2014)

The miracle of artificial refrigeration.

I finally got my refrigerator delivered tonight. Very exciting. I missed posting yesterday and I won't make anything long tonight. my partner at work has Jury duty and that makes things extra busy for me there.

Because weekends were made for fun.

For any of you that didn't know me before I met Traci, I am a very flirtatious person by nature. I also just generally preferred to be in the company of females rather than with my guy friends. Once I met Traci, she filled every need I had from the company of any guy or girl and I generally lost interest in flirting. Traci and I had a very trusting relationship. She would tell me about how a guy tried to pick up on her at school and I would tell her the details if I thought a girl was interested in me. We sometimes would both flirt back, just to see if we still had "it". Because of my background and the kind of relationship Traci and I had, I have found it relatively easy to jump back into social situations with women. I have gone to a few young widow meetups here in SoCal and have gone with my 23 year old brother Willy a few times out dancing or to a rock show. I never felt uncomfortable or over my head, that is until this past Friday night. I told Willy I had a babysitter for the night. "What's the action?" I said. A birthday party, a private room at a club in Costa mesa was the reply. Dancing, a costume party, a generally high concentration of LDS folk, seemed like a good time. And it was, Then she walked in. Taller than the rest, more self confident. "Oh, good." I thought, "She has a guy with her, No need to care." The night progressed, there was a lull in the quality of the music and most people took the time to rest their feet and cool off a bit. I then noticed it was just her and I dancing and one other guy a little ways away. We made eye contact and she approached. "You're a really good dancer," she commented. My witty reply and followup? "Thanks.... My name is Mitch" as I stuck out my hand. "Elle" she said as she smiled and shook my hand. We began to dance together and I felt a surge of excitement for the briefest moment, like diving under a wave at the beach as the wave crests just about to topple you. Unfortunately, just as at the beach, I didn't see the second and much larger wave coming up fast behind it. Guilt, shame, hand caught in the cookie jar. In an instant I went from casual enjoyment to panic. This is not okay. I am married. I cut myself off from any other emotions and danced, internally a robot, until I could make a polite retreat. It is not without the lens of time that I could write this. I didn't understand what I felt at the time. I thought I was just plain scared of a girl, so I continued the night and laughed at myself. We all danced until the DJ went home and then said our goodbyes. It might seem like this was a negative experience, but for me it was quite the opposite. I actually have carried a lot of guilt that I have already felt so sociable with women, like I don't miss Traci as much as I should and am trying to move on too fast. It is good to know that yes, I do still feel like I am with Traci I just don't realize it with out being in s "moment" (if I can just be vague). I will still go out with my brother, I may even try to get a phone number or two just to see if I still have "it" but if they are single and attractive, they should be aware, I could freak out at any moment and run away.

Blogging week.

With NANOWRIMO starting Saturday, I thought I should try to give the creative juices a little kick start this week. Meaning, that I will be writing at least one blog post a day this week and hopefully more.

A status update

We moved into our own place this weekend. If you call searching for 10 minutes among boxes to find a pan to toast quesadillas on moved in. Boxes are everywhere and the key to the garage door doesn't work so I have to go out to the driveway and open the big door any time I need something from in there. But the girls are sleeping peacefully and I am enjoying having our own space again. I just need to find a way to be watching the girls and unpacking at the same time. Autumn hit Sarah with a stick yesterday while I was trying to pack up the last of the stuff from Matt and Andrea's house. Good fun times.

Windmills

Windmills

I stand alone yet I stand among hundreds. Just like me all spinning the same direction or not spinning at all.

Newer models come in. Bigger, faster, more powerful, better in every respect. But they don’t replace me. They just add to the power we all create.

I’m not even the oldest, my solid body towers over the tiny metal framed old-timers. They seemed so much bigger when I was being constructed. Now their weakness is full bare before my eyes.

If I want to spin

I have to face the wind.

Why do so many of us not face the wind. They are content to let the wind hit their side or even their back. Not contributing anything. Why bother they say, it will just wear us out faster.

And compared to the group my power is insignificant. I will keep my face to the wind. I know my place. I am one, I am hundreds and without me there is nothing here but wind.

NaNoWriMo

This is a reminder to some and problbly an announcement to most. November is National Novel Writing Month. Participants begin a new story on the 1st of the month and the goal is to write 50,000 words in the thirty days of the month.(thats a little more than 1600 words a day.) This has been going on for ten years, but i found out about it last year.I found out about it a few days after it started and with school, I wasn't able to get a story together and start writing. I have been thinking about it off and on since then and I am excited to attempt to make it this year. If any of you plan on attempting this also, let me know. It would be good motivation knowing someone else was working on it too. So, if you've been having some ideas for stories dancing arround in your head or just feeling creative, why not give it a shot? Btw, yes I am writing this during general conference. But, I am still listening. Elder Uchdorf gave a nice talk on hope in Christ just now.

Testing google gears

I am trying out a service called blog.gears It will use a google...... nevermind, you would surely be bored into self-immolation. anywho, this is just a test post that I will try to add something clever and rewarding to at the end. Nope, nothing is coming to mind.
Thank you, Have a nice day,
Management.

Yes, my posts have been dark, no you don't need to worry.

So, this is not a result of any one call,email text or IM. Evidently either my last post specifically or just the combination of my last few posts appears to have worried both friend and family. I am still doing well. I just find it more therapeutic to blog about the crappy things rather than the good. the depression I talk about isn't like the slit your wrists and die kind of depression. Its just like... aw hell, I guess if I could describe it I wouldn't have all these vague blog postings scaring you all. If it just happened coincidentally that you all have chosen this week to break radio silence and drop me a line, I apologize for what would then only be narcissism on my part I suppose.
On another note, I just finished reading "A Farewell to Arms" Oops, figures the first pleasure book I would check out from a library after Traci is gone would end like that. (Spoiler) It ends with the main character's wife and newborn dying in childbirth. After the 20 minutes or so of feeling reallly depressed, I just had to laugh.

A week in review

This week I can feel the grief closing in. I have slept in three days this week. I probably wouldn't have if I had a job where a strict 9-5 or something was enforced, but I generally like to be predictable and dependable. I saw Wicked at the Pantages last Friday night, had lunch out with coworkers Monday,I went scuba diving with my sister-in-law Wed. evening and took the girls to Disneyland after work last night. It's not like I'm living a blank and meaningless life these days. But, every time I am left with nothing else to feel or think, I feel this pain creeping in closer. I described it like a constricting snake in a previous blog, tightening with every breath I exhale. But a snake as a definite form. This is more like a cloud or sand. It is just all around you and you don't know where it begins or when it will end. I don't dream when I sleep, hardly ever do. I just want to get to the point where I feel like I'm healing.

"No title" probably worked better.

I'm just writing. I wonder what happened I wonder why I wonder where the pain goes when it isn't hanging around like a snake, coiled around my brain secure and warm. If life is to live then why don't I feel? If death is to be gone then how do I breathe? Open windows, random thoughts, they both let the cold in and I wish it wasn't winter. I don't remember moving so far north. Where are the palm trees? Where is the bright sunshine. A breeze picks up an old photograph and I catch a glimpse of smiles. And warmth. I've got to find a new job because all this walking around hurts my knees. Blank. Gone. Thought about balloons, why balloons? I read that if you attach a note to a balloon and send it up into the sky, maybe it will reach them. Errant thoughts, wiped clean. just press send.

So, you can see

I haven't really blogged much lately. It isn't that nothing is going on, but other than the day in day out stuff I generally find too boring to write about, I just don't seem to have the words or images to describe what is going on. I didn't even finish that music post the way I wanted too but after 3 or 4 days of not getting any further, I just hit submit.
/warning
I've had some negative stuff on my mind that I have considered writing about here. If I post again this week, it may be a downer.
/end warning
I should post about the boxing class I went to Thursday also. That was both a good workout and therapeutic.

Musings on Malodorous Music

I am getting more tolerant of bad music. When twangy country comes on someones radio, I don't immediately change the station. I can even listen to Zombie by The Cranberries. Today, however I realized that Salvation by that same horrible band is a song I may never tolerate. I invite you to try a listen if you dare. I was working under the fume hood, fully focused on my work when the song started. I don't remember hearing the intro or even the first verse, but when I heard her bleat out the chorus, it was instant and painfull.

Having all brothers and only being around boy cousins has left me severely under prepared for most things girl related. Among that laundry list is styling hair. But of course youtube has howtos for just about everything. So today before church, I found this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rl3w6g1CGc It isn't perfect, but I think Autumn looks pretty cute.

Finding the time

The schedule here in Mira Mesa is a little strange so I haven't had any time to sit down and write. I still don't have it. ( I have carried the laptop under my arm into another room twice just since I started writing this) It is weird making decisions completely by myself. While Traci and I were together, I rarely changed my decisions after talking with her. But it was a nice safety net knowing someone either agreed with you or what potential problems someone else saw with the decision. Taking this job was a no brainer, stay not working in construction for my father(who is busy now finally) or start working somewhere, anywhere with a steady paycheck and good benefits. But now I have more and more little things to think about that I miss being able to discuss with her. Autumn and Sarah are just doing so well down here and I couldn't be more proud of them. They seem to be coming home from daycare with nothing but positive things to say about Mrs. Bev. Part of me wishes I could afford the preschool style daycare down here. Autumn annd Sarah are so bright, they really excelled in the structured class room style projects they did every day in Riverside. That kind of program down here would be $175.00 per week more though.

You probably didn't know

The girls and I are now living in Mira Mesa. We moved into a spare bedroom a friend of a friend had available. I am doing this for a few months for a few reasons. I am not sure what my budget is going to be with everything changing so much right now so I am afraid of signing a one year lease into a place I can't afford. I would like to wait until a small house rental becomes available so the girls have a yard to play in. And, I needed to stop paying so much in gas every week as soon as possible. A&S are in in-home daycare here and walked in like champs today. no clingynes or anything. I was glad to not have 3 hours of my day devoted to being in the car and although my mom probably missed hanging out with the girls, I bet she is glad to not have that extra responsibility every afternoon.

7:17

Look, it's 7:17. Traci always liked to look up and note the time if it was 7:17. Its a math geek thing. Because Traci and I met in August, my birthday was the first one we celebrated together. I don't remember what Traci did for me, but I do remember she set the bar realllllllyy high. That July, Traci was taking her last calculus class. She was bummed out that she had an exam on her birthday and that we couldn't take the day and do something fun because she really needed the time to study. So, I decided I would bring the birthday celebration to her. I baked her a strawberry cake parked my car at CSUSB, and walked, cake in hand, to the math building where I thought she would be studying with her classmate. I still remember how surprised she was. And the cake even turned out edible.
Today was better than I thought it might have been. I guess I'm still dealing with shock because I really don't feel much of anything yet. When I got home, my mom and sister-in-law were watching the girls play at the park. I turned on the oven, pulled the funfetti cake mix and strawberry frosting and began baking Traci's cake.Then a short trip to Papa John's and we were having our birthday celebration. The adults had pizza with everything on it, the kids had salami and cheese(yes papa johns has salami on the menu and it is delicious) Then Autumn led us in a wonderful rendition of "happy birthday." She was a little apprehensive about blowing out 28 invisible candles until aunty Val offered to help. A deep breath and a couple of knife slices later and we were all enjoying our cake. I don't know if I will make this a tradition or not, but it was nice for this time.

Maybe

I have been writing this past week but I haven't felt like sharing it. I have just been trying to process some things. so, rather than leave a blank page, here is another poem I wrote for my
Ethnic studies class.

Maybe
19 years ago sitting at the edge of the sandbox in a new school I read my books.
Last pick for kickball?
Odd teams
Back to the sandbox. The hardy boys were always good at what they do. Maybe I’m just good at reading.

14 years ago The barn. Face to Face. Man those guys with the shaved heads and wife beater shirts are scary. Greg and Steve content to sit in the back.
I need to feel
the energy of the crowd.
Push forward. Crowd surfing, floating along outstretched hands. Maybe I am beginning to find my place.

9 years ago Wish the air conditioning wasn’t broken. Maybe I should have taken my English class more seriously. At least then I wouldn’t have made my mom cry
when I told her I wouldn’t be walking.
School was a social experiment but I guess I forgot the teachers had other opinions. Maybe I just have to stumble along.

4 years ago I’m going to be a father? I can barely take care of myself Do I have love to give?
I’m going to be
a father.
All the love I have is yours. Fear of the unknown chokes me. One foot forward just like any other step.
Maybe it’s time to mellow out.

Today I’m graduating college. Chemical Engineer, father, husband? Weren’t you in band with plaid pants and a thrift store shirt that said Earl? I’ll still shop at goodwill.
I’m still punk
I guess. How many 27 year olds do you know that are just graduating from college and have two children and a wife?
Maybe I won’t embarrass my daughters too much.

Today

and yesterday almost felt like normal days. The girls played nice and didn't shout at each other. Autumn threw up about 20 minutes ago, but she said her tummy hurt all evening and skipped dinner so I knew it was coming. My greif(by the way i think that is a stupid word to describe what I'm feeling/going through, but I guess mental and physical ninja dropkick donkey kick is too wordy for daily use)is coming on at mostly predictable times and intervals. I am still stressed about money, but whatever. I just have to try and trust that everything will work out. I read a blog from a woman who was a sister missionary in Ohio with me. She as talking about how she knew everything was in God's plan and how beautiful the spirit was in the room where her sister-in-law gave birth to a stillborn son with only a month left in the pregnancy. I am searching for that peace and clarity but it feels like a dark forest I am trying to find my way out of. Two halves of me. One believes that although I can't see it I am being led out on a watched path out into the light. The other, believes that I am lost and alone in the forest with only the shouts of friends and family coming from a distance as my guide.

Stained glass window

He was given a coil of metal and pieces of glass. he crafted shapes, pictures and words from the wire and began cutting the glass and fitting it carefully into the shapes in the wire. He thought the finished product would look perfect when he was done. He could almost see it. less than halfway through, someone came along and brought their own wire and glass and began to show him how her wires and glass fit in with his. He knew someone else might want to help create his picture but he never realized how well the new pieces would fit into the whole. neither persons wires could be distinguished from the other and a new, even grander picture emerged. This new picture was even more complete than the first. Almost every shape had been planned out. It would just take some time to cut the glass and place the pieces. Without warning, someone came to tell him that the friend who had came had left and that the picture had been dashed in. No explanation, he didn't know whether his friend had broken the picture and left or if someone else had smashed it and taken his friend too. The whole frame was not broken and most of the glass that had been set remained. But holes and twisted wires would need to be plucked out and smoothed down. He had seen the finished picture. He should have been able to recall it and complete it himself. But the picture he now saw was changed, incomplete again. The glass could be picked up. And he would begin putting shapes and pictures and words back in the spaces the holes now occupied. I just wish I could see what my picture is supposed to look like now.

Extatic crisis

Ecstatic crisis

Get up. Outside the light dusting of night snow masks the turmoil she sees as she peers through the fog soaked window pane bombs crash exploding in her mind reminding her of the day’s adventure.

Her supposed companion Timex alarm clock has betrayed her trust again. Not even the icy caress of a too hasty shower slows her pace. Lipstick in the purse hair dripping, like a tangled train steaming out of the station. Rush out the door.

Did I let the dog out? Wish I would have grabbed a piece of fruit on the way out. Cars and lights by some miracle yield to her will. Mom? Yeah be there in twenty. Wish she hadn’t sighed like that at the end. How long? Six months, a year?

Airport, there’s always plenty of yellow zones drop ‘em off and get outa here. But they sure make it a lot harder for you to park there.

Running now. Glad she forgot to put on any jewelry and left her purse in the car. She stares back at the annoyed TSA screener as she breezes through the gate without even checking whether the bells sounded, “You are a winner. Please delay your flight by passing through here ten more times until were satisfied the rivets in your jeans aren’t a threat”

The door from the plane sends its mass of bodies tumbling slowly through the opening. Find mom and dad they look better than I do. Slowly almost the last, the tired soldier hobbles down the ramp to her. If it wasn’t for the crutches he’d look exactly like she remembered.

It’s good to be home sis.

It’s good to have you home.

I am going to my in-laws now. It is a 3 hour drive to their house. The girls are already there. I am excited to see everyone but I am scared to be alone in the car for three hours with my thoughts. I seriously entertained the idea of getting a little buzzed before I left but legal and safety negatives aside, when the buzz wears off the problems are always there staring at you on the other side. Just not worth it. I've got all my CDs and the rental car we still have has sirius radio,

Driving

As I thought about writing this on the way home from San Diego, the only feelings I had about the one and a half hour drive from or to SD were bad. I really miss Traci during this time. I feel all of the bad grief emotions during these drives. Today I especially seemed to revolve around depressed and self pity but in general I feel a lot of anger or sadness or confusion or.... you get the picture. I try to drown out my own thoughts with either talk radio or music. I need to face reality about talk radio and I. I don't give a flying fairy about politics right now. I don't care what amendments are or aren't passing. I don't care where the illegal aliens are going next or who's money they are spending. I guess that may be why I my thoughts easily wander during the drive. I am too busy wishing they would just shut up to be entertained.
However, as I am finishing up my day and feeling a little bit more reflective, what is actually bad about having an uninterrupted 1.5 hours to explore my feelings? I am going to try and make a more productive use of this pain. Sure it will continue to suck, but maybe this will help me reach more clarity and peace sooner than I would otherwise. Oh, and the cellphone law was a bad idea. until I get a headset, I will be txtng while driving, which is far more dangerous I am sure.

So here we blog

Crayons
Did you see blue over there all snuggled up next to green? Just because they are a primary color, they think they are so cool.

Red, Yellow they know their place. Good thing too ‘cause you can’t tell red anything. They get all in your face and that’s the end of it.

Yellow though, that’s the one you gotta look out for. All bright and calculating. They know it’s up to them how green or orange things are going to be.

Anyways, the rest of us don’t give a damn. We’re just happy getting out of the box. Not black and white though.

Black says they only get used for boring stuff like drawing walls and roads. Not that I blame them. When was the last time you saw a black flower or a black butterfly anyways.

Then there is white.
How does white even get noticed? When the damn paper is white, what difference does it make if you draw something beautiful with it? It just blends into the background.

So, I wrote this for a college assignment. I don't really usually think about race issues but race, culture and community were the themes assigned to me. I wrote quite a few poems, some better than others. Whenever I don't feel like writing but want a new post, I think I will share another. I seem to really be enjoying blogging lately. You are one of my only chances for steady adult conversation.